“Zoe … Zoe,” I called in a sing-song voice over the upstairs bannister, wondering where our three-year-old had gotten to. I was busy stripping beds and changing sheets with our five-year-old when I realized I hadn’t heard from her in a longer-than-typical stretch of 10 minutes.
“I’m ok, Mom,” she trilled back. “Don’t come down.”
I dropped my linens and raced to the bottom of the stairs, knowing her reply could only mean one thing — mischief. I rounded the corner into the kitchen. What in the world? …
There she sat, ensconced on a tall kitchen stool, spoon in one hand, bottle of chocolate syrup in the other. It was 9:00 a.m. I watched with mock horror and hidden amusement as she alternately took bites of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream straight from the carton and chugged gulps of Hershey’s like a big brown baby bottle.
When I see articles that offer “four ways parents can teach their children independence” or “a better approach to raising self-starters,” I wince. What kids need are not more lessons in independence, but parents who are willing to do the hard work of teaching them how to be responsible.
One of our Hershey’s chugging daughter’s first sentences was simple but profound, “I do it!”. (Who hasn’t heard that from a toddler!) As soon as she was able, she was determined to do things her way, by herself. Now that we’ve been through the terrible twos and “therrible threes” with four different children and four distinct personalities, it’s clear that she’s not an anomaly. Babies are born with the hardwiring for independence. It’s not just an American thing. Of course they need someone to do everything for them when they first appear on the scene, but within a short time, they’re striving to do things on their own.
Certainly we don’t want children who never learn how to care for themselves; who are dependent on us forever. There’s a host of life skills we need to teach them in the 18 years we have them in our care. But independence shouldn’t be our goal. We should want our children to do things by themselves, but not for themselves. This is the key distinction between children who are independent and those who are responsible.
To be independent is, as the dictionary defines it, “to be free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority.” Such is the root of our American culture. We were defined early-on by our breaking-free from authority. But those leading the fledgling country knew they needed not merely to break free from Mother England, but also to govern themselves well. This is what made our revolution so different from the anarchy in France. Today, the spirit of liberty without responsibility is widely affirmed. It’s the different between self-government and anarchy; the difference between a young man leaving home to spend his 20s amusing himself, and one leaving home to find a wife, form a family, set up a home, and get a job to provide for those in his care. It’s the difference between kids who use their abilities to serve themselves, and those who use their abilities to serve others. Wanting to be free from outside control is a pervasive problem, but it’s not new.