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Introduction

“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”— Prov 22:6.

I suppose that most professing Christians are acquainted with the text at the head of this page. The sound of it is probably familiar to your ears, like an old tune. It is likely you have heard it, or read it, talked of it, or quoted it, many a time. Is it not so?

But, after all, how little is the substance of this text regarded! The doctrine it contains appears scarcely known, the duty it puts before us seems fearfully seldom practised. Reader, do I not speak the truth? It cannot be said that the subject is a new one. The world is old, and we have the experience of nearly six thousand years to help us. We live in days when there is a mighty zeal for education in every quarter. We hear of new schools rising on all sides. We are told of new systems, and new books for the young, of every sort and description. And still for all this, the vast majority of children are manifestly not trained in the way they should go, for when they grow up to man’s estate, they do not walk with God. Now how shall we account for this state of things? The plain truth is, the Lord’s commandment in our text is not regarded; and therefore the Lord’s promise in our text is not fulfilled.

Reader, these things may well give rise to great searchings of heart. Suffer then a word of exhortation from a minister, about the right training of children. Believe me, the subject is one that should come home to every conscience, and make every one ask himself the question, “Am I in this matter doing what I can?”

It is a subject that concerns almost all. There is hardly a household that it does not touch. Parents, nurses, teachers, godfathers, godmothers, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, — all have an interest in it. Few can be found, I think, who might not influence some parent in the management of his family, or affect the training of some child by suggestion or advice. All of us, I suspect, can do something here, either directly or indirectly, and I wish to stir up all to bear this in remembrance.

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Ten pithy sayings from John Witherspoon, Scottish Presbyterian pastor, President of Princeton (1768-1794), and signer of the Declaration of Independence, on parental authority and child rearing:

1. The best exercise in the world for children is to let them romp and jump about, as soon as they are able, according to their own fancy.

2. A parent that has once obtained and knows how to preserve authority will do more by a look of displeasure, than another by the most passionate words and even blows. It hold universally in families and schools, and even the greater bodies of men, the army and navy, that those who keep the strictest discipline give the fewest strokes.

3. There is not a more disgusting sight than the impotent rage of a parent who has no authority.

4. I have heard some parents often say that they cannot correct their children unless they are angry; to whom I have usually answered, then you ought not to correct them at all.

5. Nothing can be more weak and foolish, or more destructive of authority, than when children are noisy and in an ill humor, to give them or promise them something to appease them.

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A friend recently asked me if I could give her some parenting advice. I smiled and said that I couldn’t because I’m not an expert and don’t know really what I am doing. She laughed and remarked on the ways parenting humbles us. My friend did not realize just how true her statement was. For many years, I taught, counseled, advised, and trained parents in the raising of their children. It’s a remarkable testimony to God’s grace toward me that I’ve come to a point in my own parenting where I am not at the ready to give advice.

Many people describe marriage as the laboratory where our spiritual growth is fostered and developed. I find it to be equally true of parenting as well. God has used parenting in my life to refine and change me in ways I had not anticipated. He’s given me a child who requires more than I was trained to handle so that I would depend on him and not my own strength. I’ve also learned things about myself I never knew and have seen things in my heart I never wanted to see. I’ve come face to face with sins I didn’t know were buried deep inside, sins like impatience, selfishness, irritability, and discontent. While uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful, the sanctifying work of parenthood has been necessary and good.

Away with the Independence

Parenthood is an ideal place for sanctification in our lives. It’s an area of our life which we so desperately try to control. In a culture which relies on instant access to knowledge and facts, many of us turn to blogs, articles, tweets, and pins to find the solutions to the everyday challenges of raising children. We rely on our books, systems, and programs and when they fail, we despair or begin the search all over again. At least that’s what I’ve done.

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As much fun as Trent, Troy, and I have together, whether it’s camping or just throwing the ball around, not a day goes by that I don’t give serious thought to how my wife, Jean, and I are leading them spiritually. In the grand scheme of things, we only a have a short window to help them build a solid biblical foundation before they launch out on their own.

If you’re a parent, I’m guessing you’re well aware of how challenging that can be. Even the statistics bear out the struggle we face. The exact percentages are up for debate, but we know that a significant number of kids walk out the church doors after high school graduation and never return.

Why?

Well, the specific reasons depend on which study you read, but most of them point out how adults fail to connect teenagers to God’s redemptive work in meaningful ways. A recent example of this comes from a website designed for workers in church leadership. The article’s author , Marc5Solas, lives in a college town. He interviewed a large number of twenty-somethings to get their take on why Christianity is no longer important to them and boiled down what he learned into ten reasons you might find interesting.

Take a look and see what you think.

10. The church is “relevant.”

Normally, “relevant” is a positive term. In this case, it labels the problem. We’ve couched our faith in modern trappings to the point that 2,000 years of history and rich tradition have been diminished. As the article suggests: “What we’re packaging is a cheap knockoff of the world we’re called to evangelize to. In our effort to be ‘like them,’ we’ve become less of who we actually are.”

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It was one of those conversations that embarrass everyone in earshot. A young mother was desperately trying to explain to a demanding three-year-old why he could not have any of the candy the store had placed at his eye level. As the child became more insistent, the mom became more shrill. Suddenly, perhaps as much in frustration as in humiliation, she abandoned her groceries, grabbed her son, and shot out of the store, a torrent of words spilling from her mouth.

Teaching children, especially young children, to see the importance of obeying Mom and Dad is not an easy task. Presentation is important. Here’s what I mean. If you go to a fine restaurant, the food will be presented attractively. It won’t be thrown on the plate as you might expect in an army mess hall.

The way we present obedience is equally important. We should never come to our children in a demanding tone with words like these, “Look, I am your dad. I put a roof over your head. I buy every morsel of food you put in your mouth. As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say.” While each of those things is true, this presentation misses the beauty and goodness of God’s ways.

In a biblical vision you might revise the presentation this way. “God is good. He has made you and me and all things for His glory. In love and kindness He has given you a mommy and daddy who love you, who have maturity, wisdom, and life experience. And God says that you should obey Mommy and Daddy. We insist on your obedience because we love you and we know that is good for you.”

Think on what is being communicated to the child. God is good. He is the Creator and sustainer of all things. He has communicated how we should live. God has shown great love in giving you parents who love you and care for you. Walking in God’s ways is the pathway of blessing.

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How well do you communicate? Most of us will answer in light of our ability to present our thoughts and ideas in cogent ways. But I would suggest that the finest art of communication in our family life is not expressing our ideas. It is understanding the thoughts and ideas of the other people in the family.

This is a recurring theme of the book of Proverbs. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Prov. 18:2). The agenda of a fool in conversation is getting things off his chest. Even when he is not speaking, he is not truly listening. He is simply shaping what he will say next. His next volley in the conversation is not returning the ball you served, but serving a new ball.

We have all been fools in conversation. Years ago, I had a late-night talk with my son. I had something to say. He quickly realized that he would be listening. At the end of my monologue I said: “Well, I am glad we had a chance to talk. I am going to pray with you and go to bed.” Within minutes, he was knocking on my bedroom door: “Dad, you said you were glad we had a good talk. I just wanted to point out that I did not say anything.” I was a fool that night. I could have had a real conversation. I could have asked good questions. Everything I wanted to say could have been said in the context of drawing my son out. Instead, I found no pleasure in understanding him; I was interested only in expressing my own opinion.

A later verse in Proverbs 18 observes, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (v. 13) The fool responds without really hearing, with no careful thought or consideration. Speaking in haste is shameful. When we don’t listen, we disclose a low regard for the other’s words and a high regard for our own.

Parents frequently answer before listening. Your daughter begins to ask a question, but you interrupt her: “I know what you are going to ask. The answer is, ‘No.’”

“But, Dad,” she responds.

“What part of ‘No’ do you not understand?”

“But, Dad, I didn’t even ask my question.”

“You don’t have to ask your question. I’m your dad, I know what you’re going to say before you speak.”

My daughter never walks away from this interchange grateful for a father who can read minds. She feels provoked. She feels powerless in the face of my caprice. I may have even violated the warning of Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

Notice the virtue of listening in Proverbs 20:5: “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” The goals and motivations of the human heart are not easily discovered. The patience, skill, and ability of an understanding person are required to draw out those deep waters.

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“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

It is tempting to blame children for our family problems. But Scripture does not allow us to do this. Children bear the responsibility to obey their parents. But God commands parents to raise their children with godly nurture, being careful not to frustrate them. Inestimable damage is done by parents who provoke their children, and cause them to become discouraged.

While specifically addressing fathers in Colossians 3:21, God is speaking to both parents. The word translated, “fathers” is elsewhere used to mean “parents” (Heb. 11:23). Additionally, fathers are spoken to as covenant heads of the families. Fathers are to see that neither parent provokes the children. Fathers cannot stand idly by if their children are being provoked by their mothers.

What Does it Mean to Provoke?

The word used in Colossians 3:21 means to agitate, often to anger. Matthew Henry explains that parents provoke their children by treating them with rigor and severity, by holding the reigns too tightly and thereby raising their passions, discouraging them in their duty.

Years ago I was invited to participate in a long and strenuous horse ride. Due to fear and inexperience I held the reigns so tightly that the bit began to agitate the horse’s mouth. Before long the horse grew restless and threatened to throw me. I was provoking him to anger by holding the reigns too tightly. He was willing to be directed. But I was undermining his willingness by my heavy hand.

In Ephesians 6:4 Paul contrasts two approaches to parenting. On the one hand parents can provoke their children to wrath. On the other, parents can bring up the children in the training and admonition of the Lord. Failing to patiently, and constructively train our children in the things of God, we often substitute more fleshly methods of parenting which provoke our children’s anger.

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Near the end of Colossians 3 God speaks his will to people who play a role in six different relationships; Wives, husbands, children, fathers, bondservants, and masters. Only to fathers does God NOT speak a positive command. He simply says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Perhaps by doing so, God is accentuating the uniquely devastating problem of parental provocation. Still, Ephesians 6:4 teaches us that there is a clear alternative to provocative parenting.

So, instead of provoking our children to wrath and discouragement how do we bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord?”

1. Make Jesus Central to Your Family Life

In some “Christian” families Christ is simply not central. Too often we emphasize our own righteousness or the righteousness we expect from our children. How is this ethic different from that in a non-Christian home? We sing, “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.” Do we apply those words in our homes?

Christ-centered parenting also means explaining to our children how they can come to Christ. Too often we tell our children to respect us, to obey us, and to grow up. But we don’t help them bring their troubles to, and find healing in, Jesus. Christ said that his yoke is easy; his burden light. He will give rest for our weary souls (Matt. 11:29-30). We need to lead our children to rest in Christ. God forbid that we would make things more difficult for our children than Jesus would.

2. Make Grace Shine in Your Family

Is the most powerful principle in your home grace or law? The law merely tells us what God’s will is and that we must obey it. It is grace alone that teaches us how to please God.

William Hendriksen explains that “Fathers should create an atmosphere which will make obedience an easy and natural matter, namely, the atmosphere of love and confidence.” Our emphasis should be on the positive.

Imagine that on the first day of a new job your trainer gave you only negative instructions. “Don’t ever be late to work, interrupt the boss during his meetings, use the phone for personal calls…” You would eventually wonder, “What AM I supposed to be doing? How do I do my job?” We often lead children to the same exasperation.

Gracious parenting especially applies to correction. Be sure that your children know that you love them as they are, not as you would like them to be. As a good rule of thumb, ask yourself, “What kind of correction is most helpful for me?”

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As a happy product of the grace-loving evangelical tradition, I am exceedingly grateful for the deluge of gospel conversation among many Christians today. But, as a sometimes-crotchety old professor once reminded me, people are prone to extremes. What began as a needed corrective to the moralistic Christianity of our forebears could easily turn into an overcorrection of Antinomian proportions.

Martin Luther faced the same problem. He began his reforms by speaking against the grace-less error of the Roman Catholic Church, but before long, he was challenging the grace-loving errors of his lawless would-be followers. Could it be that in our righteous zeal for the gospel we have swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction?

I know what some would say. We’re talking about the gospel. How could one possibly consider the gospel too much? Perhaps a better way to look at our current state is not an error of considering the gospel too often, but considering it too narrowly. Luther famously said that in Scripture, God spoke in two languages –law and gospel. Sometimes I wonder if we have, in effect, clamped one side of God’s mouth shut while holding up a megaphone to the other.

What does all this have to do with parenting? In the midst of our pleas for gospel-centered everything, we have urged Christian parents to raise their children in light of the gospel. Certainly this is a worthy goal, but I wonder if it misses half of the point. Is it even possible to raise your children in light of the gospel without a healthy dose of law? Yet you won’t find any books or seminars on law-centered parenting.

Perhaps we need to change our terminology. What we’re after, more than an idea of gospel-centered parenting, is biblical faithfulness. And that may not be gospel-centered parenting, but (law and) gospel-centered parenting. So what does it mean to bring the law into view as we parent?

1. Build a Gospel Foundation

Teach your children the gospel. Teach it to them over and over and over again until they have a solid gospel foundation in their minds. Swing the hammer of the gospel continually until your children have a healthy framework for understanding the law. When you do teach your children law, they should know that in themselves they are powerless to obey it, their obedience does not merit God’s favor, and their obedience should be in response to Christ’s obedience.

2. Teach them Law

There was a time many years ago when teaching children the law of God was central to Christian education. Learning the 10 Commandments was as important as any other subject. How often do we teach our children God’s law today? Do our children know the Ten Commandments? They may know the faces and names of all their favorite Pixar movies, and they may know the lines by heart. But do they know God’s law? Do you? Law-and-gospel centered parenting means teaching your children the law.

But understanding God’s law is not enough. They must learn to love God’s law. Over and over again the Psalmist expresses his delight and love in God’s commandments. Our children must not only learn God’s law, but learn why God’s law is good.

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If you want to know the depth of one’s character, observe how they treat children and the elderly.

Folks on the extreme ends of life’s timeline usually have enormous needs and limited capabilities. These built-ins to their age bracket often place their daily success and ongoing dignity at the mercy of the people around them. Character is an outwardly focused nobility that is consistently offered — often at high personal cost — to people who can’t necessarily return the favor. It doesn’t really matter, therefore, what we say we are as a person.

When it comes to true character, the kindness, patience, and honor we show to children and the elderly tends to tell the more accurate story. And we could add to our character-test list widows and orphans (James 1:27), as well as the “least of these” type of people Jesus listed in Matthew 25:31-46.

God’s Grace As Your Family’s Default Mode

Which brings us to the subject at hand — God’s grace. It’s easy to give theoretical assent to the reality of God’s grace, but the ultimate litmus test as to whether or not we’ve truly allowed his grace to become our default mode is how we treat the people in our family. Home has a best-of-times-and-worst-of-times nature about it. As such, family can either be a watershed opportunity for us to move from walking in the flesh to living in the power of God’s Spirit, or it can be our Waterloo.

If grace doesn’t show up in the crucible of our demanding family dynamics, it doesn’t mean that the gospel is impotent, but it may mean that we’re kidding ourselves if we say we’ve truly embraced the transforming work of God’s grace deep down in our lives.

We can give lip-service to God’s grace all we want. But if our kids would prefer having their gums sanded over having to eat at the same table with us each day, and our spouse would rather wake up alone rather than next to us morning after morning, then most likely the grace we say we embrace is merely our lip-syncing to the real thing. I’ve just listed two worst-case scenarios to make everybody feel better, but the truth is there are all kinds of things we can do — short of making our family members wish we weren’t in the Christmas photo — that still speak to the minimal presence of God’s grace in our relationships.

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A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. (Prov. 15:18)

He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated. (Prov. 14:17)

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. (Eccl. 7:9)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (Jam. 1:19-20)

Raising a pre-teen is tough stuff as anyone who has either been a pre-teen (which is everyone who likely will be reading this) or those who have raised or are raising a child of that age will attest. For some reason, during this time of life, a little thing called rebellion begins to rear its ugly, despicable head more often than not. This rebellion typically stems from the child bucking against authority, namely the parents or anyone who gets in the way of complete, unadulterated freedom or restrictions on behavior.

As relatively new parents of an adopted 12 year old, we are in the throes of dealing every now and then with this thing called rebellion. While rebellion is an issue in its own right, something deserving of its own post, my desire is to talk about that naughty little attitude that rears its own ugly head from the ones in authority. That attitude is anger, something that seems to well up like a geyser each time the equally sinful attitude of rebellion itself wells up like a geyser. When both sinful actions take place at the same time, it results in what Proverbs 15:18 states, a rather contentious event that has nothing godly taking place or anything helpful in its wake.

In our house, it is the nightly avalanche of homework that usually sets the rebellious and anger wheels into full gear. After all, what kid likes homework over free time and what parent likes to hear their child constantly whine and complain about having to do that which we as parents know is just a rite of passage? The answer is nobody on both counts. So after a smooth start to the homework process, we often hit a brick wall and then SMASH, the circus begins.

As a parent, I know we are supposed to be the ones setting the example of a calm, cool, and collected adult that understands what righteous behavior in the face of sinful behavior looks like. Unfortunately, knowing and doing are often two completely different things. I am mindful of the Apostle Paul’s words in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Not much is worse than feeling that swelling of ungodly emotion rise up in your inner man (or woman), knowing it will likely try to bypass your brain making a beeline for your mouth. As soon as that outburst of anger takes place, there is an immediate sense of wicked satisfaction. I have often caught myself thinking “Well I have just asserted my parental authority with that angry comment so that should settle things. The King has spoken.” What actually takes place is that contention spoken of in Proverbs that we noted earlier.

What is the solution? James 1:19-20 provides the all too clear solution: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Now hold your horses James! What do you mean quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger for starters? That sure is easy for you to say. You don’t know my child. Well my friends. This is not a suggestion. This is a command from Scripture, something that must be part of our everyday arsenal of godly behavior.

Let’s break down the first part of this passage to see what James is telling us. He first admonishes us to be quick to hear. The Greek word for hear is akouō. Now this word means far more than just sound penetrating our eardrum. It has the meaning in this passage of to attend to, consider what is or has been said; to understand, perceive the sense of what is said. Notice the key words in those definitions. We have the commands to consider, attend to, perceive, and understand. This requires the close mouth open ears so the sound can actually penetrate our brains before we open our mouth to response approach. This requires contemplation, time, and effort, the true hallmarks of one who listens before speaking.

Next we have James telling us to be slow to speak. Seems easy enough right? The Greek word for speak is laleō. That word literally means in this context to utter a voice or emit a sound; to use the tongue or the faculty of speech; to use words in order to declare one’s mind and disclose one’s thoughts. Little harder than you might have thought right? Notice the idea of uttering a voice or even emitting a sound. So before you even say a peep, we first must have considered what was spoken to us, understanding what was said, obtaining a righteous response in our minds before we even speak.

Finally, James commands us to be slow to anger or wrath. The Greek word used for anger or wrath is orgē meaning anger, the natural disposition, temper, character; movement or agitation of the soul, impulse, desire, any violent emotion, but especially anger. Any impulse that involves a movement towards unrighteous anger is to be utterly rejected. This is really where the rubber meets the road. It is so easy to let anger rule the day. There is some sort of sick satisfaction we get by lashing out in anger. The reality is anger is the hallmark of an immature believer, a person Scripture calls foolish. We are called to be mature believers. This takes the constant feeding of God’s word into our hearts so that whatever proceeds from our mouths is not ungodly anger, but rather the Words of God that are a must for training up a child.

My challenge to all the parents who might read this, including myself who is writing it attempting by the grace of God at this very moment to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, is to do what James tells us to do. This is difficult stuff, but necessary. We live in a society where anger rules and where misguided and hurtful words are par for the course. That must stop and it must stop now. In order to move to that place of maturity in the faith, we have to stop acting like children ourselves, throwing a fit when our actual children do the same. Such an approach in no way sets a godly example. We must continually wash ourselves in the Word of God so that when temptation to respond in anger comes, we are mindful of James 1:19-20. This is not something we can do by ourselves. It requires constant vigilance against this most often used of Satan’s tricks, that of anger which leads to destruction. Let us put aside such nonsense and be doers of the word, building one another up, especially our children who so desperately need to see the example of adults who have grown to a place of maturity and leadership in our homes.

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It’s likely you’ve heard the news: the sky is falling. Reports have been circulating for a while now that our churches are on the decline and it’s the young people who are to blame. Articles, blogs and even books have been written warning ministry leaders and parents alike, the Millennials are leaving our churches in droves of hundreds and thousands.

Intrigued by the implications of a generation giving up on organized religion, we set out to understand who is leaving and why. And what we found was surprising. Many of the most significant and encouraging findings are largely being ignored, while the less accurate and discouraging ones are being emphasized.

Focus on the Family talked to respected sociologists of religion and studied the best, nationally-representative studies and found the bad news is not as bad as you might have heard. Our new report, “Millennial Religious Participation and Retention” draws out some very important research for those who are raising and ministering to the next generation

Pew Research recently found that 18% of young adults leaving their faith altogether and another 20% are switching from one faith to another. This latter cohort, while leaving individual churches, are not leaving their individual faith. They might be switching to a church across town or to one near their college campus. With more young adults switching than leaving, it’s odd very few are talking about those switching. In fact, many, we suspect, have been counting them along with those who are leaving.

Also interesting is the huge difference between conservative, Bible-teaching churches and mainline Protestant churches. The General Social Survey, perhaps the most academically-trusted source for demographic data back through 1972, recently noted a 2.2% decline in mainline churches and a slight 0.6% increase among conservative churches (from 1991 to 2012).

Perhaps most interesting is what Pew learned about those leaving their faith. Pew asked those leaving if they ever had a strong faith as a child. Only 11% said they did. The other 89% said they never had a strong faith in the first place. As our report says:

Not surprisingly, homes modeling lukewarm faith do not create enduring faith in children. Homes modeling vibrant faith do. So these young adults are leaving something they never had a good grasp of in the first place. This is not a crisis of faith, per se, but of parenting.

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The reality of the difficulty of parenting is something for which I am increasingly becoming aware. With that said, it is the most satisfying duty I have ever had. An important element of being a parent is that of knowing how to properly approach your child’s behavior which includes understanding their personality and what the Proverbs call their bent. Those with children who have what could be labeled as an overly expressive demeanor are rightly called strong willed children. Cynthia Tobias, in her book You Can’t Make Me: Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child, uses years of professional and personal experience to assist the reader in betting understanding what a strong-willed child is, how to approach that type of personality, and skills to successfully direct that level of emotion in the proper direction.

Before reading this book, I had an idea of what a strong-willed child was all about as after all, isn’t having a strong will equivalent to having a rebellious spirit? After reading this book, my perception of what a strong-willed child is all about has dramatically changed as Tobias clearly outlines what it means to be strong willed and why such a personality is not always a negative trait provided the right parental guidance is given in the formative years of childhood.

Tobias discussed the need to pick your battles with the strong-willed child. While I am not entirely sure my own child is what could be labeled as strong-willed, at least when it comes to day to day actions, there are times when she does express a strong set of emotional and physical responses to certain issues. This has resulted in the need for my wife and I to decide which battles are important to fight and which issues are secondary elements of life. For instance, Tobias rightly comments “If you make a big deal out of everything, pretty soon everything will be a big deal, and you may get to the point where you’ll hear some absolutely ridiculous arguments designed purely to get a reaction out of you.” From my own personal experience, when that happens, the discussion and learning opportunity has been lost, at least for the time being.

Some may say that as parents, they are the boss and the child should obey. That is certainly true and Tobias certainly does not deny that important reality of parental authority. The issue she addresses is the need to at times lighten up without letting loose of the parental reins of authority and oversight. This is truly a delicate balance. Tobias states that when giving rules and boundaries to a strong-willed child, it is imperative to “be clear with your reasons for rules and regulations.” Essentially, have a conversation with your strong-willed child as to why rules are important. Such an approach sets the important groundwork for later in life when they will be tempted to buck against authority.

I also appreciated the author’s insight into dealing with the issue of homework with a strong-willed child. The topic of homework has been an issue at times with our own child. The capacity to do homework is there, however, the desire and focus to do homework at times was not which resulted in strong-willed emotional responses when as parents, we required that level of focus on homework to exhibit itself. Tobias aptly comments on this issue, stating sometimes homework “can be boring, repetitious busywork. But the reality is that – right or wrong – often the homework assignments are counted as part of the student’s final grade. Help your SWC (strong-willed child) figure out what needs to be done in order to accomplish the goal he sets.” This has been the approach we have taken with our daughter and I will start unequivocally that it has worked wonders.

Having a strong-willed child can be a challenge, but it is not something that is beyond the parent’s ability to deal with provided they have the right tools at their disposal and provided they have the proper approach to the child’s actions, attitudes, and responses. Cynthia Tobias provides a number of valuable principles and examples parents can use to train up their strong-willed child in the fear and admonition of the Lord in a manner that gives them the necessary space while also providing the parent the means to be that needed authority in the life of their child.

I received this book for free from Waterbrook Press for this review. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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I am writing this to plead with Christian parents to require obedience of their children. I am moved to write this by watching young children pay no attention to their parents’ requests, with no consequences. Parents tell a child two or three times to sit or stop and come or go, and after the third disobedience, they laughingly bribe the child. This may or may not get the behavior desired.

Last week, I saw two things that prompted this article. One was the killing of 13-year-old Andy Lopez in Santa Rosa, California, by police who thought he was about to shoot them with an assault rifle. It was a toy gun. What made this relevant was that the police said they told the boy two times to drop the gun. Instead he turned it on them. They fired.

I do not know the details of that situation or if Andy even heard the commands. So I can’t say for sure he was insubordinate. So my point here is not about young Lopez himself. It’s about a “what if.” What if he heard the police, and simply defied what they said? If that is true, it cost him his life. Such would be the price of disobeying proper authority.

A Tragedy in the Making

I witnessed such a scenario in the making on a plane last week. I watched a mother preparing her son to be shot.

I was sitting behind her and her son, who may have been seven years old. He was playing on his digital tablet. The flight attendant announced that all electronic devices should be turned off for take off. He didn’t turn it off. The mother didn’t require it. As the flight attendant walked by, she said he needed to turn it off and kept moving. He didn’t do it. The mother didn’t require it.

One last time, the flight attendant stood over them and said that the boy would need to give the device to his mother. He turned it off. When the flight attendant took her seat, the boy turned his device back on, and kept it on through the take off. The mother did nothing. I thought to myself, she is training him to be shot by police.

Rescue from Foolish Parenting

The defiance and laziness of unbelieving parents I can understand. I have biblical categories of the behavior of the spiritually blind. But the neglect of Christian parents perplexes me. What is behind the failure to require and receive obedience? I’m not sure. But it may be that these nine observations will help rescue some parents from the folly of laissez-faire parenting.

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My wife and I are in the throes of parenting and are surrounded, in our church and among friends, with other couples in the throes of parenting. So my parenting radar is hot. I’m learning, growing and repenting every day as I ask the Lord to make me a faithful dad.

It’s often easier to learn how to be a better parent by observing and owning our mistakes. So as I’ve observed parenting (my own and others’) and tried to admit and learn from my mistakes, I’ve compiled a list of five tendencies Christian parents have. I hope it helps you think through your own parenting journey.

1. We overexpose our kids to the culture. The Bible doesn’t use the term “culture,” but it does use a very similar word, “world.” This is a loose definition of the prevailing thinking in a given society. Typically the values of the culture run counter to the way of Christ. Not always. Sometimes a culture is shaped by Christian influence.

Today, we parents should be cautious in what we allow our kids to imbibe. We can be passive in allowing them to form ungodly convictions based on what everyone else is thinking and saying. What’s more, there are corrosive images that can hurt their souls. This is why we have to be wise in monitoring the media they consume, the time they spend online, and the time they spend with friends.

2. We underexpose our kids to the culture. This is an equal and opposite danger to overexposure. It is easy to adopt a fortress mentality as parents, sheltering our kids so much from the world that they have no ability to discern truth from error, ugliness from beauty. There is a tendency to overprotect our kids so much so that we fail to prepare them for their mission in this world.

Our kids will one day live as adults and will require the requisite skills, both spiritual and social, to make wise choices. If our only parenting mode is protection, we fail to teach them how to apply the Scriptures to the reality of life in a sinful world. What’s more we rob them of the God-glorifying act of enjoying, consuming, and creating the best of culture: art, beauty and grace as expressed by artists whose talent points to a masterful Creator.

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It might be difficult for some parents to read through, but here’s a top ten list that I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Over the next several days I’ll be expanding on each of these in succession, but for now, here is my top ten mistakes Christian parents of teens make:

10. Not spending time with your teen.

A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time.

Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.

9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.

The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines.

Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).

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“Mom. Mom. Mom!”

I looked up at my son. “I’m sorry. What?” I asked.

“Did you hear anything I said?”

“No,” I admitted.

“I think you are addicted to your phone,” he remarked.

Justifications and excuses lingered on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to tell him about the “important” email I had to send. But the truth is, he was right.

The Pull of Technology

I recently wrote an article about investing the limited time we have with our children. One of the biggest drains of our time is technology because of the access it gives us to a virtual life. Our lives revolve around this access and its pull on us is strong. There’s always email to check, texts to respond to, statuses to update, images and videos to see or post. And they must be done right away (or so we think) — putting everything else on pause.

No doubt, technology provides many benefits to our lives. But we can’t be naïve to the consequences, including primarily its impact on our in-person relationships. It entices us away from face-to-face contact and real authentic connections. More often than not, it’s a time waster. It sucks us in and consumes hours. We think we are logging in to check one thing and an hour later we finally come up for air. The limited granules in the sands of our life’s clock trickle down while our fingers swipe and click our days away. And like my son reminded me, how much of real life is missed when our eyes are glued to the screen of our virtual life?

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There is a phrase in our vocabulary that nobody has to teach us to say. It’s a phrase kids learn very quickly in childhood. And it’s a phrase you should ban in your household:

“That’s not fair.”

It sounds innocent enough. Everybody wants life to be fair, right? But this is an insidious phrase, revealing a sin so bankrupt it goes back to the very beginning, back to the Fall of Man. It’s essentially what Eve was told by the serpent. “You’re getting a raw deal. You’re entitled to more. God is holding out on you.”

If you read Paul’s account of the Fall in Romans, you’ll discover that it was this attitude–ingratitude and entitlement–that lit the match of sin, plunging Creation into darkness. And it’s a surefire way to test your own heart, to see where the idols are.

Maybe it seems a bit melodramatic to bring all of this up to my four children ages 2,4,5, and 9. But I fear that if I allow them to embed entitlement in their little hearts right now, if their first reaction to a someone else getting an extra dessert, a gift from a friend, a new pair of shoes is “That’s not fair.”

And so we don’t allow this in our home. And when it comes up, my kids know they are in for some form of punishment, which usually involves a long-winded soliloquy from Dad that goes something like this:

First, you are right in saying that life isn’t fair. Because it’s not fair that little children go to bed hungry this very night, having eaten nothing but a handful of rice and here you’ve just had seconds on french fries. It’s not fair that some boys and girls grow up without a mother and father, orphaned by a war they didn’t start. It’s not fair that some children won’t even see many birthdays, succumbing to diseases we treat with immunizations and routine trips to the doctor. So if there is a complaining about being fair, its you and me and all of us in prosperous, free America on the other side of “Not fair.” So in the line of people complaining about a bad lot in life, we are several zip codes away from the front. Most of the world is pointing to us and saying, “Life isn’t fair” and they have a much better case.

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Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being ~ Kittie Frantz

I saw the quote above recently, and it really made me think. How often do I treat my dear sweet children as “inconveniences?” Exactly when did they go from precious blessings entrusted to me by God to small, loud, challenging things sent by God to interrupt my day? (Probably when they started to talk, but that’s really beside the point.)

I remember being pregnant the first time. I remember the excitement and joy at the thought of a baby! MY baby! A sweet, beautiful, precious living creature. I remember holding Jonathan for the very first time. They placed him on my chest, and he was crying. Tears came to my eyes, and I remember thinking, “I wish you would never have to cry again in your life.” The instinct to protect him kicked in immediately.

Granted all of parenting is not sunshine and roses. My sweet, precious babies are little sinners. Just like me. And, sinners put together means arguments and discord. My children need me to teach them to behave, and that is not fun, for anyone. I am responsible for raising them and for teaching them about obedience. I am responsible for showing them and teaching them about God’s grace and mercy. I am also responsible for my own attitude.

When I start getting irritated at my children, I’m trying to ask myself a few questions. What exactly about their behavior is getting on my nerves? Are they sinning? If so, I should get off my tush and deal with it, and not just sit here and hope it stops. (or yell until it does) Am I expecting behavior that is not age appropriate? (for example, is a 6 year-old boy going to need to run off energy, or can he sit still all day?) Am I mad at them because they want my attention, and I want to do something else? Am I showing them the same grace and mercy that God shows me every day, even though I start sinning again immediately after I ask for forgiveness?

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My wife and I inherited a bunch of children’s books from some friends a while back. In the midst of the stack was one book called Everyone Poops. The book was intended to show little kids that it isn’t weird or scary to go potty. Very cute book. Also full of defecation. It isn’t reading for the weak of heart or the full of stomach, but your kids will probably laugh all the way through it.

Last night I had to do a late run to Wal-Mart. As I was entering the store a woman and her two daughters were leaving. I heard them singing something together, and my heart leapt as I considered that maybe, just maybe, this woman was singing a catechism song with her daughters (I have quite an imagination!). I was, of course, disappointed, as I drew nearer to discover that this woman was not impressing on her daughters the importance of knowing the Lord, or reciting Scripture. Instead, they were singing a song by Katy Perry:

Cuz I am a champion / And you’re gonna hear me roar!

I know what you’re thinking: “defecation,” the music of Katy Perry… this is the part where Adam is going to tie it all together. You already see the connection. Well, hang in there a bit longer.

This woman and her daughters were singing an anthem of grrrll power. An ode to personal independence. A sugary, fist-pumping trip down pop music lane. As I walked past them, I chided myself for the initial flight of fancy that gave birth to this moment of disappointment. Cynicism is an infallible defense against disappointment, and I let myself slip. I’ve already decided not to make the same mistake twice. But what struck me, almost immediately, was the realization that Everyone Catechizes. This woman really was catechizing her daughters.

“You shall teach [God's words] to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 11:19).

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